Breaking Campaign News:


Woman Removes Herself From Society Until Election Day



A local woman has decided to remove herself from society until Election Day. At the time she was interviewed for this article, she was packing a suitcase and planning on moving to a cabin deep in the woods where she would not be subjected to campaign news.

On the brink of insanity from the nonstop election coverage that has been magnifying every real or imagined misstep, foible and past indiscretion, the woman, who is a wife and mother of three, stated that she would be going to a place that had no Internet access or newspapers and planned on reading, meditating, and knitting for the next fifteen weeks. She also stated that she understood why Thoreau moved to Walden but noted that since there was probably wi-fi there now, she had been forced to find a place even more remote to escape news updates. She said that the “presidential election campaign and attendant media circus had devolved into an even freakier display than ‘Maury’ and ‘Jerry Springer’, with too much vitriol, name calling and maliciousness” and she found herself getting upset every time she picked up a newspaper or turned on the radio or television. She opined that this year’s campaign had reached unprecedented lows in civility and that she could no longer bear it. The woman also said that she had thought the fighting between her kids was annoying and immature until she heard one of the candidates name calling on a level that “would be unworthy of even a seven-year-old.” As she pulled out of her driveway, she concluded her interview, asserting that she didn’t understand how other Americans could last until November 7 but added that she had hopes that this election was an aberration and that “regular” dirty politics could resume in the future.

Her family said that although they would miss her, they understood that their wife and mother had to leave to preserve her sanity. Her youngest son noted that his mother had been muttering to herself regularly after watching the news. The woman, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid haters from all political walks of life, as well as possible threats of jail and deportation (even though we have learned she was born and bred in the United States to parents who were both U.S. citizens), indicated that she planned on returning the day before Election Day. She wanted people to know that she would be proudly casting  her vote for the candidate of her choice saying, “Since my mind has been made up for quite some time and I will be voting with my conscience, I see no need to listen to another three plus months of attacks, counter-attacks, lies, innuendo and old news.”

Further developments will be reported as they occur.


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