Breaking News: Woman Panics Over New Facebook Algorithm Limiting Cat Videos

kitten-1582384_1920A local woman has been in a state of shock and panic since learning that Facebook will be limiting the number of cat and dog videos on its news feed.

The woman, who did not wish to be identified because she didn’t want people to know how much time she actually spends on Facebook, let alone watching pets belonging to total strangers, explained that she relied on those “adorable and fun videos” to get her through the day. She stated that, “Especially in this era of hearing about ‘shithole’ nations and the DACA situation, we need an escape more than ever. How can Facebook do this to us?”

The sentiments expressed by the woman have been echoed throughout the country by people who felt duped by the social media outlet that was responsible for getting them addicted and then, as another Facebook user commented, “pulling the rug out from under us.” The user, a male in his twenties from Brooklyn, New York said, “Look, I know that Zuckerberg has made his billions and is trying to make up for his site helping Trump getting elected with all the fake posts by Russians disparaging Hillary, but he’s making us the victims. There has got to be a better way.”

As a sense of dread enveloped the U.S., and perhaps even the entire world, a grandmother of five echoed the feelings of many by saying that she really didn’t want to “interact and engage in meaningful conversations,” quoting Zuckerberg in a statement he made identifying Facebook’s new goal. The grandmother said, “Those graduation photos and wedding and birth announcements are lovely, however, if we are being honest here, funny memes and cute puppy videos are why I go on Facebook.” She suggested that perhaps she would delete her account and use her time to help get out the vote for the midterm elections. Perhaps Facebook is secretly hoping many other people will do the same.



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