Breaking News: Local Woman Seeks Perfect Job

vacancy-3098735_1920After seeking employment for almost a month, a local woman has found herself frustrated and disappointed with the current job market. Despite the fact that the national employment rate has dipped below four percent, the woman says there are actually no jobs for her.

The wife and mother of three, who wished to only be identified as Tracey, said that she began searching for a job when she realized that she had too much time on her hands and was no longer feeling fulfilled by just “working out, shopping, playing mahjong and tennis, seeing her therapist, and having lunch with friends.” With her youngest child leaving for college in a year, Tracey decided that she would begin a new chapter of her life, one which involved working.

Unsure of what kind of job she wanted, Tracey went into a few local clothing boutiques and asked if they needed sales or managerial help. She explained to the shop owners that she wanted to work approximately eight hours a week between the hours of 11:00 a.m.- 1:00 pm Monday thru Thursday (except during the summer and the months of December and January when she would be spending time in a warmer climate). She also expressed her desire to be compensated in accordance with her education (which included a graduate degree) and said it was important to her not to have to take work home with her at night.

Despite expanding her search to jewelry stores, Tracey was surprised that she did not receive any offers. One store owner indicated that he might be hire her if she were willing to work one Saturday each month, however Tracey was horrified by the thought and said “no”, explaining “that weekends were completely off limits and were meant for recharging and relaxing.” She added, “If that’s what they are asking me to do before I even begin, I can only imagine the brutal and inhumane working conditions I might encounter once I actually started there.”

Deciding that she might be better off volunteering, Tracey approached a local hospital where she secured a position in the gift shop a few hours each week. However, after only two weeks, Tracey quit, saying the hospital was a “depressing place” that she feared “catching a communicable disease.”

Concluding that the job market was clearly discriminatory, and still somewhat traumatized by the six hours of work she had done at the hospital, Tracey concluded she was ready for retirement.

Upon returning to her old life, her friends hailed her as a hero and told her that they would never forget the sacrifices she had made for the betterment of society.

Further news will be reported as it occurs.

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